July 20, 2015
Life is funny! Some days, God drops something right in your lap to give you a nudge, or help you make sense of things.
I have been trying to figure out which “E” word to choose to write about. I had come up with some very good words, but have not gotten around to, or had the inspiration to, write it. My first thought was Environment; the world around us, nature, our homes and our own backyards. Then maybe, Eclectic; I feel I am quite eclectic, in my décor, in my dress, and in my thoughts.
I have been beating myself up because I just couldn’t get myself to write. Then…. Wham! A sign; an epiphany; a lightbulb; a kick in the rear end…
I was in the shower this morning, and it came to me. Estrangement. Not necessarily one of my favorite words, but one I think I need to deal with. I promised myself that my blog would be uplifting and positive. But sometimes you need to deal with the difficult things to be able to move on to the good things, and continue to do so.
I think I mentioned before I have been doing a lot of cleaning and purging of things at home. Well, this past weekend, Rebecca helped me clean out and organize the loft in the shed. There were a few boxes of Michael’s things up there I have been saving in hopes he would be coming home. I had this dream that he would walk in one day, say I’m sorry, I love you, and I want to be home. Then he’d walk up to his room and set his stuff out just like things were just about 4 years ago (yes, in a couple of weeks it will be 4 years). Well, my son is 19 and a young man. I don’t think he’s coming home anytime soon, so I felt the need to let go once more. So, while trying to hold back the tears, I looked through a couple of boxes and took them down.
He was going to be picking Rebecca up this morning, so I wrote a note to him, put it in the top of the box, and set it by the door. He picked it up this morning. Whether he reads the note or not, I may never know.
I think this was the inspiration for my word. I have been doing well and moving forward. I don’t talk much about it, except with close friends and family, or my dear therapist. The past four years have been akin to dealing with a death. The estrangement of my son was a tremendous loss. I’ve experienced all the stages; sadness, anger, denial, depression, guilt, isolation, regret, grief, and acceptance and peace (okay, not a lot of that, but it’s there). This was all in that little space in my head that I push to the back to move on. So, after the decision with the boxes, I was presented with my word; a reward from above for taking another little step towards letting go.
After I had showered, and gotten ready for work, I made my bed as I usually do. Then I went over to my Seize the Day calendar and turned the page. This was today’s page:
Then, believe it or not, I went downstairs to pack my lunch, and I turned the page in my Mary Engelbreit calendar. And this is what it said:
Okay, so the universe is helping me today. I continue to tell Michael that this is his home (our home) and that I will always be here for him… the door is always open.
So, from an epiphany in the shower, to not one, but two, calendar quotes, today is the day to write about it and share a little with you. Now, I don’t want this to bring you down or make you angry. I just want to share with you and perhaps give you the nudge you might need, or some gumption to deal with an estrangement of your own.
We all experience some type of estrangement in our lives (divorce, broken friendships, parents, children, etc). No matter how devastating, no matter how small or how big. The word estrangement defined is “the fact of no longer being on friendly terms or part of a social group” or “the fact of no longer being with one’s spouse; separation”. The word is very strange. It even has the word “strange” in it. It sounds very negative and yes, it is not a happy word, but one that we must deal with as best we can when it becomes a roadblock in our journey through life.
Reluctantly, but with hope and love, I’ve let the box go. I hold onto the memories and know Michael has a place to live, a job, and is attending college. He will come around some day. Everyone says so. I have to hold on to that. I worry about his health, both emotionally and physically, but I have to believe he will be taken care of. There is nothing more I can do but to send him love from afar.
So, as the Muppets say, “moving right along”…. I will continue to move forward, to be happy, and to be the best mom and role model I can be for Rebecca.